Tell Them How I'm Defying Gravity

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!

It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you can't pull me down!

So if you care to find me
Look to the western sky!
As someone told me lately:
"Ev'ryone deserves the chance to fly!"
And if I'm flying solo
At least I'm flying free
To those who'd ground me
Take a message back from me
Tell them how I am
Defying gravity
I'm flying high
Defying gravity

Taking a Trip & Reconnecting & Present Moment Living

I am seriously sleep deprived. Work is stressful and my nights are busy so that's the result. I'm looking forward to a nice long mini-vacation weekend, hopefully full of relaxing and sleep and sex. That should take care of things :)

I'm SUPER excited about the trip and I wish I could say where we're headed off to! I did check the weather for this weekend - and ohmygod - the high ranges from 17 - 24 degrees. I mean, it does get that cold here in Jersey but it's usually in the January time frame and I'm usually not out frolicking in it. I don't have any warm warm clothes so I had to go out and buy thermals and ski pants (my deal from Black Friday!) and boots. I hope it's all sufficient because a cold Jenny isn't a happy Jenny.

I hope she likes it. I'm sure she will. I want to be a good gift-giver.

I've recently re-connected with an old friend over the last few weeks after not speaking with her over the last 7 years. It's sometimes overwhelming to think that we have these relationships with people - dedicate time and love and energy - and then sometimes life separates you and it's just gone. And there is a person floating out there in the world that knew you at X point in your life and then they just don't anymore. And so I realized that it will be like this with Liz - that here is a person that knew me better than anyone and who had my heart for over half of a decade and now she just doesn't. She knew me when I was just 21 and left me in my late twenties, and if we ever reconnect again I'll surly be me still, but I won't be who she used to know. And it's just a funny and overwhelming thing to think of - the relationships we have with people and time and growth.

So I'm re-learning about my old friend and what has gone on with her in the last 7 years to get her to where she is now. I re-learn about myself too because I remember who I was at 19 and 20 and what I did wrong and what I did right. I'm not happy with everything that I've done or that has been done to me but it got me to where I am right now - which is the only place possible for me to be at. And this place will get me onto the next. And that's ok with me.

I posted this quote on my facebook yesterday because I loved it. Because it's so true. What you need to know about the past is that no matter what has happened, it has all worked together to bring you to this very moment. And this is the moment you can choose to make everything new. Right now.

So I'm loving that. I have a job I like and I have my health and I have a great girlfriend and I'm doing some traveling and I have an old friend back and I'm living in the moment as best as I can. These things are happy things. And they may not always stay this way - certainly they will not - but that's ok. Everything works out as it should.

Weekend Shots

I am in love with this kid. He is pure joy. I wish he was my nephew and that it was absoloutely guaranteed that I would get to see him grow up.

Weekend = wonderful.

Remembering and Appreciating

Yesterday was 8 months since Liz left me, and I almost forgot until the end of the day. I didn’t do any reflecting like I usually do because I didn’t feel it was necessary. Maybe I didn’t feel it was necessary because I had to process lots of emotions and thoughts in great detail after hearing about her engagement. Either way, she was really just a fleeting thought. Time really does amazing things for recovery.

I did, however, have a good sobbing cry about Gracie last night. I was sitting on the floor in my room wrapping gifts and I was catching up on Glee episodes (I have missed about the last 5 weeks or so) and I was listening to amazing music and thinking about the holidays and I just started sobbing. Then I got angry. It’s not FAIR. How the fuck could she have died? A strong, healthy, athletic, young, full-of-life dog just collapses? I have some pictures in my room, pictures of her smiling or running or relaxing. I look at those pictures and then sometimes my head goes to the day she died, when I had to look at her and touch her lifeless body. Her body was so hard. There was no life inside. Just a shell. How did my larger-than-life dog end up dead on the floor? I was thinking this as I kneeled down beside her and began petting her. When I laid down and hugged her to me, tears streaming down my face into her fur, even though I knew she wasn’t there anymore. My mom stood near me and watched as I held her and begged her to please come back to me. I look at the pictures of her alive and then I sometimes remember carrying her dead body out to the car, how my mom and best friend had to do it because I almost collapsed holding her from grief. How everyone left me alone with her in the vet’s office and I talked to her as if she were alive, kissed her and stroked her, tried to smell her, etch it in my memory, so I could never forget.

I’m not sure why I sometimes let my head go there. I wish it wouldn’t. They are not things I should be focusing on or remembering.

So after that I tried to calm myself down and remember good times. I thought about how a few Christmases ago Liz made me mint chocolate brownies – and while they were cooling on the stove Gracie managed to eat the whole thing lol. I remembered when we put reindeer antlers on her and her siblings’ heads and took pictures of them in front of the tree. I remembered how when I would put up decorations, boxes and totes and things strewn everywhere, she would go around and sniff inside and want to know what everything I had in my hand was, and what I was doing with it. I remembered how on Christmas morning she would curl next to Liz or I as we sat and unwrapped gifts. How we would give her her gift from her stocking and watch her trot off with it, happy as always. So I did the best I could and turned my thoughts to positive ones and calmed myself down.

The pain is so amazingly raw still, it takes my breath away. I don’t want to be without her. It’s still hard to believe that she’s gone.

I bought some craft things from Michael’s to make a small ornament with her picture and the year on it so that I can have it on my tree for always in remembrance of her. I can’t wait to have my own place again to put my own tree up.

I didn’t mean for my writing to take such a sad turn this morning. I’m actually really excited for the weekend – plans changed a little and now B is bringing her 2 year old nephew with her and we have him for the whole weekend. I love this kid. Seriously. It’s funny how when I’m doing certain things or around certain people– dogs, taking pictures, traveling, kids – it’s just pure happiness. Just genuine, unblemished happiness. And overall, there’s waaaaaaay more happiness nowadays than sadness, and I’m super grateful for that. I try to remember that every day I’m here is a bonus.

I want to cherish it all.

I love the holidays

I made my broccoli casserole for Thanksgiving and some people liked it! I mean, it’s super easy to make, but still. I’m proud of myself for cooking something. Thanksgiving was really nice – B’s family is a good time.

I did go out on Black Friday – but can I just say – there were really nothing in the ads that were catching my eye! That was disappointing. We were out of the house at about 5 and at the stores by 5:30ish which was fine with me. So we went to Kohl’s first and then TJ Maxx and then Michael’s – all in the same shopping plaza. At Michael’s I bought some things to try to make an ornament for Gracie – something simple with her picture on it and the year so that I have a way to remember her every Christmas. We then headed over to Home Depot where B got some tools and I got 60 AA batteries for $10! That was probably the most exciting deal that caught my eye in the ads. After that B took me into a sports store where I bought some thermal underwear for myself and my most favorite purchase of the day – a ski bib – originally $75, on sale for $19! Obviously I’m hoping to go skiing or play in the snow this year : ) We were home by 10:30 ish and taking a nap by noon – obviously, a nap is key to any Black Friday shopping experience.

I also shot two different kinds of guns (rifles) on Saturday for the first time in my life. It’s always something I wanted to do and I finally got to do it. Yay! And when I was shooting the .22 caliber rifle I got TWO shots on the bullseye and most of the other ones pretty close. Go me!!! It was fun.

The rest of my time off was relatively low key – ate good food, hung out with some good people, had some quality time with B – it was lovely. Every weekend should be that long and that relaxed.

Work is stressful and busy and I’ve been doing at least an hour of overtime a day, which will be nice on my paycheck but I’m still afraid I can’t get done everything I have to get done by the time I have to get it done by. I try not to stress about it but it’s kind of nerve wracking.

This upcoming weekend B is coming to my place which I’m really looking forward to because it’s been a few weeks since we spent a weekend in Jersey. And then the following weekend I take B away for her birthday (which is on the 19th) – we leave Friday the 11th in the afternoon and won’t head back until Monday the 14th. She knows nothing about where we are going, only that we’re headed North and that she should pack some warm clothes. I wish I could write about it but she reads the blog so I’ll have to write about it after we’re back!

Gobble Gobble

I am making a contribution for Thanksgiving dinner – broccoli casserole – which means I’m cooking, which is exciting! I hope I don’t fuck it up. This is the first time I’m cooking anything for B’s family, and lord knows I’m not a great cook to begin with, so I just want to do ok. I hope somebody besides me likes the dish.

To help my healing over these last 8 months, I have often tried to focus on things I’m thankful and grateful for. It is a healthy thing to do always, but especially when bad things are happening. Anyway, to keep things in perspective, I’m thankful for:

• Having a job, and a job I like at that.
• Recovering from my divorce in the way that I have and the way that I continue to and my strength and resolve in trying to evolve and move on.
• My family and friends who I have leaned on and who have helped me more than I can believe this year.
• The new friends I have met through this blog – the support and love and friendship they give me and the community I feel fortunate enough to be a part of.
• B – for being a fabulous girlfriend, lover and friend. For creating new memories and adventures with me. For being with me in the present, right here in this moment, and enjoying the ride.
• My health.
• Rosie’s new radio show.
• Selling my house in such a short amount of time.
• That Gracie died quickly and without pain.
• Having a place to live and food in my belly.
• Breathing

This past weekend would have been Liz’s and I’s 6 year anniversary. Last year we had celebrated our 5 years by eating fondue and having a romantic night out in the city. I can’t believe it’s been a year already – it is always astounding to me, the passage of time. I am getting better and I am recovering. I am trying to continue to find ways of releasing any anger or hurt or resentment and replacing that with genuine happiness for all of us involved. I can’t wait to be fully healed and healthy from all of this. I wish this for myself and I will try to be diligent in working towards that. It is the only way for me.

I’m excited for the holiday! This is the first year in my working life (10 years) that I’ve had the day after Thanksgiving off. So I’ve never done anything crazy related to Black Friday, like getting up at 3 am or whatever, but I’m totally going to do it this year! I want the experience and it would be nice to get a sweet purchase or two out of it.

I leave work in an hour and I don’t have to come back until Monday and that is wonderful. I hope to be doing some reading, writing, sexing, eating, shopping, and loving this weekend. Perfection.

Reader Participation: Going Back to School?

It's kind of long but suck it up and deal with it because I want some feedback, damnit! :)

I started a new job in January after working at the same company for 8 and a half years. My old company was a bank and I hated it because I'm not a banker and banking isn't my thing. But it served it's purpose - it put me through school and allowed me to buy a home and fill my belly and all the necessary things to survive. I knew that when I finally got my degree (it took 7 years) that I would look outside of the bank and so I did. It took a while but I finally landed a job where I'm at now - an amazing university in the heart of the city, one of the top research and educational institutions in the country. One of the benefits of working here is that you receive a free education (IF YOU CAN GET IN!) - well, mostly free - you have to pay the taxes on a graduate level program, but that's really nothing when looking at the whole picture.

So of course I wanted to go to grad school before I got this job but I knew it wasn't something that could happen in my immediate future because I couldn't afford to go - especially dealing with almost $100k in undergraduate student loan debt. But getting this job made continuing education a possibility so I started thinking about it.

And then Liz left and my life fell apart and going back to school was the last thing on my mind.

So here I am now, 8 months after the initial blow, thinking about what I want to do. Thinking about what I want to learn and study and how I want my life to be enriched through education.

I don't want to get my masters for the piece of paper. I did that already with my bachelor's. I don't give a shit if the masters I get is completely unmarketable and won't get me a job and whatever else - I just want to learn. I want to learn about things I'm interested in and passionate about.

So then I start thinking: What do I love? What am I passionate about?
And I answer: Reading, writing, photography, kids, and all of the gays.

So then I look at what masters programs there are for working professionals like myself and I narrow down my options.

The university allows you to make your own course of study in their MLA (Masters of Liberal Arts) program. Literally, you could study pretty much whatever you wanted. They give some certificate options, and one of them is a certificate in Gender and Sexuality Studies. I love it. I would love to study more about gender and sexuality and anything and everything related to the topic. Plus, during the course of this, I get to take other courses in the liberal arts - like a writing course or a photography course or whatever - so it's really fantastic. All of it.

So here's where I'm asking for some reader participation:

I pretty much would need to pick something specific within the Gender/Sexuality realm to study. And there is so much!!! So I ask myself: What specifically would you want research or learn about? And the answer is: I don't know!!!

These are some things that I'm interested in:

- Gay marriage (and maybe even divorce)
- Exploring the connection between rape and being gay, if there is one (I find it fascinating that I'm the only lesbian I know who hasn't been raped or molested).
- Gay Teen Suicide / Affects of Homophobia and discrimination
- What it's like growing up gay today, 40 years after Stonewall
- Gay Families / Gay Couples having kids / What it's like for kids to be children of a gay couple
- Being gay in small town America (I think this interest comes from meeting B and realizing that not everyone does or can live as openly as I do.)
- Transgender anything!

I'm probably missing some thing, but they are what sprouts up immediately. Can any of these be formed into a focused course of study? What else am I missing?

In regards to Gender and Sexuality, what are you interested in? What would you like to learn more about?

And let me end by making the disclaimer that there is a really good chance I won't be accepted to the university. Working here does not at all mean you'll get in. It's a very difficult school to gain admission to, and while I do recognize that I am a smart cookie, sometimes it's just not enough. But I have to at least try.

I'll always wonder otherwise.

I love this!

Go read and watch the video of this little kid speak about how he wants equal rights for all.

Amazing. I love it.

Well, ...

I found out last week that Liz, my ex, proposed to the woman she left me for about a month ago. 6 months after she left me, 7 months after she started to suspect that I wasn’t the one for her. If you’ve been reading me at all you’ll know how obviously life changing and devastating this divorce was for me, how things have happened over the course of this time that I’ve had to mourn or deal with, how far I’ve come from the beginning. Even still, almost 8 months later, I’m frustrated that hearing news about her/them could affect me, because I’m tired of being affected by this situation.

I probably shouldn’t be surprised. If they are pregnant 6 months from now, I probably shouldn’t be surprised about that. That has been what this has been from the beginning – one shocking action or revelation after another.

But listen, it’s kind of nice that they are in a relationship and making a commitment like that – a union based on deception and lies – it should be fitting that they are together so that they can keep that poison within their own circle. I wish them no ill-will but I do believe you can’t put negatives out there without getting some back.

This quote has become one of my favorites since this began:

How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours. – Wayne Dyer

I have taken Liz’s actions and betrayals and words graciously. I have never screamed or yelled; I did not throw or break anything; I did not beg her to come back to me; I did not purposely make life more difficult for her in the aftermath. I grieved and processed and healed and moved on as best as I knew how, and when doing that I tried my best to not be like she was to me. I think that I’ve been rewarded already – I think I can see silver linings in the middle of all of the trouble and pain – like the fact that our house sold so quickly and I was able to sever this huge tie; like having an initial reason to lose weight, and in doing so looking better, feeling better, and getting healthier; like this causing me to meet new people, see new things, travel to new places; like finding B and beginning an amazing new chapter, full of love and hope and good.

So there is initial shock when hearing news like this, but then I process and I think and I remember the things I am continuing to learn: different things and people make me happy now, but I am still happy; people like them deserve eachother and I deserve better; and finally, any negative energy or thoughts about anyone else is a waste of my time, and I could certainly afford not to have my time wasted.

I’m sure it is something I will still think about for a while, but like everything, this too shall pass.

I’m still surprised at the evolution – not just of myself but of everybody. It is a funny thing, this life.

Today at the Beach

11.15.09